Got bored. 
Typed this during a year 11 science class. See if you can add to it. Or worse... 
classify yourself...
 
Old School 
Goths
Hair tends 
to be back-combed to death. Usually either very friendly or snobby as fuck. 
Listen to 80s electronic pop and believe that Goth is dead.
Quote: “Fuck you newbie, we were here 
first.”
 
Romantigoths
Sit in 
their darkened, candle-lit rooms, reading poetry and crying. A lot. Often 
creative but emotionally fragile. They usually have the best meds.
Quote: “Byron…” *sob* “…Byron and Shelley are the 
only ones who understand the dark bleakness of my 
soul.”
 
Perky 
Goths
Favour 
caffeine and cocaine over food and sunlight. Annoyingly jolly. Easy way to spot 
one – ask suspect if they can do a cartwheel. If they immediately do one without 
even asking why, you have a Perky Goth. Kill it.
Quote: “WHHEEEEEEE!!!”
 
Industrial 
Goths
The result 
of one too many beatings or a child who was insulting too often, they tend to 
have far too many tattoos and piercings. Also tend to be very tetchy. The only 
kind of Goth that can fight – like a UFC champion.
Quote: “No, the piercing didn’t hurt. And what the 
fuck are you looking at?”
 
Techno/Cyber 
Goths
Listen to 
weird Japanese fax-machine music. Wear Christmas tree lights and dance like 
robots. Tend to be quite creative – and sickeningly rich to afford all that 
cyberdog clothing. Usually own laptops.
Quote: “The lights? Oh, I bought them down 
Portobello 
Road for £1500. The rest I assembled myself. Cool, 
huh?”
 
Uncle 
Festers
The bald 
guy in the corner in the bed sheet.. *cough* I mean ‘burial shroud’ is an uncle 
fester. Cos in our little subculture even old bald guys can be cool.
Quote: “Hi.”
 
Blood 
Sausages
The Goth 
subculture has always attracted either svelte, lithe beauties or *ahem* women 
who are generously proportioned. You know the kind. The one in the velvet 
micro-miniskirt with too much corpse paint.
Quote: “Hey baby, wanna buy me a 
drink?”
 
Vampy 
Goths
Wear 
prosthetic fangs and read too much Anne Rice. Convinced Lestat De Leoncourt is 
real. Often seen wearing sunglasses after dark. Indoors. In a dark club. 
Tossers.
Quote: “I like to bite… OW! What... NOT THE FACE! 
NOT THE FACE!”
 
Pseudo Goths/Mini 
Moshers
Bastard 
spawn of a dozen different genres. Behold, the harbingers of the end of days. 
Also known as Baby-Bats or Coffin-Boppers, they wear a horrid mish-mash of goth, 
punk, skate, rock and trendy normal clothes. Hate their rich, loving 
middle-class parents who give them everything they want. 
Quote: “Oh I LOVE Nirvana! They are just SO 
goth!”